You All Should Start A Betting Pool On How Long I Stick With This

In an attempt to get back into the blogging habit, I am shamelessly copying Joyce by participating in the 31 Day Challenge using the writing prompts from Five Minute Friday.  It is important to note:

1. I have not read through the 31 Day challenge AT ALL so if I’m doing it wrong, that’s why.
2. I may or may not use the writing prompts every day.  I’m going to start with them, and then we’ll see how it goes.
3. I’ve already missed the first day, so I’m going to use BOTH prompts today.  You may interpret that as genius or laziness.  

The prompt for yesterday was Calling and the prompt for today is Family.  Setting my timer for 5 minutes and …

If I were feeling terribly spiritual I’d go with that kind of calling and apply it to my family, but I’m not so I’m going to talk about actually calling.  Like on the phone.  I like to talk on the phone.  I especially like it when I’m tackling an unpleasant chore because talking distracts me from scrubbing or folding laundry and makes it fun.  Some of my family members are good about talking on the phone.  My mom is always up for a chat and if I can catch my sister when she isn’t shuttling kids to activities, she will talk with me for a while.

My kids?

Not so much.  Reagan does a pretty good job, but she’s so busy between work and school and coaching high school Slam Poetry teams that it’s hard to get her for more than a few minutes.  I try though because I just love to hear her voice.  Texting is fine, but doesn’t fulfill my mama need to hear my kid.

Hayden, on the other hand, is phone phobic.  It’s killing me.  He will answer the phone if I call, but then I just get monosyllabic answers to my questions and I can just tell that he’s dying to get off.  I’m sure that’s typical of boys as his dad and my dad are the same but I’m just dying for a meaty conversation with that kid.  Makes me anxious to see him in person!

Five minutes are up and I’m not done, but I’m going to stick to the rules today because I actually do have things to do.

Until tomorrow … or not. ;)

What I Would Tell Myself in 2002

You guys.

Right this very minute, my kitchen is cleaner and more organized than it has been in 15 years.

My secret?

I boxed up most of the contents and put them in a storage unit and slapped down a whole bunch of shelf liner.  Only 23 more items on the checklist and we can get this house listed.  Which means I have projects looming.

Which means I’m in high anxiety mode.

Which means I’m procrastinating!

So I was delighted to receive an email from a reader this morning because it has given me an excuse to park myself on my bed with the cats and blog which is so much better than painting.  This email (which I’ve edited to protect identity) said,

My son was recently kicked from preschool which sent us down the winding road of therapies and psychiatrists and lead us to ADHD … Would you mind sharing with me any tips or tricks? I have a baby on the way and I’m overwhelmed with how to manage him in the midst of all this. 

Oh goodness.  That word, “overwhelmed” brings back memories.

I’ve written about Hayden’s ADHD in the past.  Now I’m getting ready to celebrate his high school graduation and send him to college.  Here he is heading to prom last week.

From this spot, I have to say that all in all, raising a kid with ADHD isn’t all that different than raising one without it.  There are (many) days when I’ve enjoyed him and (a few) when I really didn’t.  He’s had successes and failures and some tasks he really struggles with while other things come easy to him.  I’ve laughed with him and cried for him and prayed over him.

I could say exactly the same thing about my kids who don’t have ADHD.

But for this sweet reader’s sake, I will share what I wish I had known when he was a preschooler:

1) Don’t let yourself get embarrassed.  It’s so hard when your kid is the one who is always causing a ruckus and misbehaving to not flush deep red and start apologizing.  Don’t.  Don’t let yourself feel shame over the way your kid is wonderfully and perfectly made.  If he makes a mess or hurts someone, clean it up and apologize just like you would for any other kid and move on.  Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed or like you have a “bad” kid because your sweet baby will feel that shame and catch on that there’s something “wrong” with him.

There’s nothing “wrong”.  There’s just something different and that’s ok.  Breathe.  Embrace who he is and help him become the best version of himself with what he’s been given.

2)  Structure, structure, structure.  Hayden thrives when he knows what his parameters are.  He needs a schedule to follow, deadlines to adhere to and predictability.  When situations are open ended or expectations are not clearly defined, he flounders.  Set a tight schedule for wake time, meals, snacks and bedtime and adhere to it whenever possible.  Follow routines as much as possible - you’ll see a difference.

3)  Don’t set yourself up for failure.  For years, we did not eat out at restaurants.  Expecting Hayden to sit still and keep quiet for a meal in the midst of the sensory overload that restaurants provide was too frustrating for everyone involved.  We ordered in or got take out but rarely went to a sit down restaurant to eat because he just got into trouble and I got angry.

If there are situations your child doesn’t do well avoid them.  Generally, these are places and times that involve a lot of noise, a lot of people, a lot of excitement and not much structure where a rambunctious kid is going to get into trouble.  Go to zoos, not museums.  Plan a quick escape route from the family reunion.  Movies at home are going to be a better bet than the theater.

4) Work with your school.  ADHD kids are hard to have in a classroom.  They just are.  Hayden probably would have benefited from being homeschooled, but he got me for a mom so that didn’t happen.  The best I could do was to team with his teachers to make the best situation I could for him.  A good IEP or 504 plan are beneficial here to make sure everyone is on the same page.

5)  Make sure you have a plan to take care of yourself.  If you are tired and frustrated, you’re not going to be the best mom you can be for any of your kids, but especially for your kid who may be the source of the frustration and fatigue.  Figure out how you can recharge.  Put on a movie or a video game and take 30 minutes for yourself to read a book or take a shower or journal or get a quick nap in.  

Find a person or people who get it and hang out with them.  I was fortunate enough to have a friend or two with kids in the same boat.  If you don’t, maybe find an online group.  Find somewhere where you can vent and talk things through with people who won’t judge because they’ve been there.  Avoid the judgmental people who seem to have all the answers to your problems.  They may mean well, but at the end of the day they just add to “overwhelmed”.  

I hope this helps my reader and anyone else who is on this wonderful journey of raising the most energetic kid on the block.

Evolution Of a Blog And Blogging In General

I’m kind of forcing myself to do my year end post tonight.  I do it every year as a measure of how Our Front Door has grown and changed through the years, but this year I kinda don’t want to know because I’m thinking it’s not good.

For instance, in 2009 when I worked part time and my kids still allowed me to talk about them on the internet I wrote over 200 blog posts.  This year, with a full time job and older kids, I only wrote half of that.  Blogging is a habit and once you get out of the habit of writing nearly daily it’s hard to get back into it.  The numbers reflect that.

In 2013 there were 54,773 visits to Our Front Door, down nearly 14,000 from 2012.  Those visits came from 13,336 people, down 2,000 from the year before.  I’m kind of sad about that because I love readers, but the reality is that if you don’t provide something for people to read, they stop coming by.

I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t just me though.  Most of the blogs I read regularly have scaled back the number of posts they put up.  Is blogging not a thing anymore?

That would be a shame.  I love the “slice of a life” reading that blogging provides that you just can’t get anywhere else.

Still, I wouldn’t change this year.  This was a year of healing and rebuilding at our house and those things were best done in private.  I felt the need to protect what was going on here in terms of my marriage and my kids.  Kind of like keeping a healing wound bandaged to protect from infection or reinjury until it’s healed enough for exposure.

It was a good choice.  

But what was the result of that on the blog?  Here is where most of the visitors came from:

I hate “not set”.  I want to KNOW, darn it.  Rounding out the top 10 were Netherlands, Switzerland, Germany, Israel and India.

I went to India once.  Have I mentioned that?  It’s the only serious travel I’ve done and it was life changing.  You should go.

Posts that attracted the most visitors in 2013:

5.  Kahlua Pork - If you’ve never made this, do so ASAP.  Easiest recipe ever and everyone LOVES it.  Loves.

4.  Presentation and Perception - I’m kind of fond of this post myself.  I don’t think the children who actually live here paid any attention to it, but it got reposted on Facebook a bit.

3.  Coffee Punch - This recipe should get more attention than it does because it is heaven in a punch bowl.  The picture that accompanies it isn’t great though so it doesn’t do well on Pinterest.

2. Statues - An old post from 2010 that got a lot of attention because I posted a link to it in a comment on The Pioneer Woman when she asked for recommendation for traveling to D.C.  Since the comment was among the first posted, a lot of people saw it.  Pioneer Woman - she has power.

1. Marinade for Grilled Pork Chops - that’s because this recipe kind of blew up on Pinterest.  Which just goes to show that quality of photos matter more than quality of recipes because that isn’t even close to the best recipe here.

And finally, my favorite category:  Weird Searches That Brought People To Me

1.  life as a hypochondriac

2.  how to clean dog drool from front door

3.  “all of my teeth” crowns drill

4.  “butt cracks everywhere”

5.  a back to front story of cinderella

6.  barefoot homecoming didnt even bother buying shoes to match dress

7.  cartoon college food and drink black and white

8.  curse words like jackwagon

9.  facebook hairspray helmet 80s bangs

10.  hoochie wedding dresses

Proving that whatever may or may not have changed in the world of blogging, the internet is still a very weird place.

I Can't Title A Post This Incohesive

Reagan is over today with a friend.  They are baking a birthday cake for someone and I’m kind of hanging out in the next room, restraining myself from hanging over their shoulders and offering advice.

It’s not easy.

I have good baking tips!  I do.  But I learned them all by baking myself; by making mistakes and figuring things out.  Sitting in the other room and letting Reagan bake her own darned cakes is the best thing I can do as a mother.  If it turns out a bit lopsided or has cake crumbs in the frosting or … 

Well the world won’t end, will it?

And we are all learning something today.

One of the things I am learning is that on a day when I choose to wear my hair curly, I should NOT take a nap, because the damage to the back of my head will be irreparable.  Actually, I already knew that but I have a head cold and took Ny-Quil last night.  The result was that by noon today I wanted a nap so badly I was willing to deny most any truth to get it.

Sleep: my drug of choice.

I keep waiting for my phone to ring and my sister to yell at me for taking so long between blog posts again.  I like it when she does that - it means she cares.  Right?  I’ll choose to view it that way.  Blogging is evolving for me right now.  I’ve done it for almost six years for a variety of reasons.  Reasons that have shifted and changed over the years.

Right now it feels like the primary reason is obligation.  Obligation to myself because blogging is good for me for so many reasons.  I’ve never been a girl who keeps a journal.  I need an audience.  I don’t really like to examine why that is, but it’s a fact.  If I want a record of our lives, blogging is the best format for me.  Goodness knows there’s no way I’m going to scrapbook.  I tried that once.  I have a book that covers Reagan’s life to age three and another that documents Hayden’s until his first birthday.  There’s a third book for Faith but it hasn’t even been out of the box.

Poor, neglected, third child.

Obviously, scrapbooking is not my thing.

Neither was knitting, or piano, or rock collecting, or latch-hook rugs (Remember those? Why was that a thing? Who wants rugs on their walls?), or theater, or exercising, or canning, or gardening, or … shoot.  The list of things I have tried and abandoned is too long to think about.  Blogging is pretty much the only thing I’ve stuck with for any measurable length of time.

So I will stick with it a while longer.  Thanks to anyone still reading.  All the lists of tips for a successful blog recommend posting several times a week and that must be valid, because my readership has definitely dropped as my writing has slowed.  That’s ok.  I don’t necessarily need a big audience.  Those who continue to stick around are the ones worth keeping.

Okay, the girls are talking about frosting the cake now and I know it’s not cool enough so I am going to go intervene.  I realize that goes against what I said at the opening of this post but I am notorious for being consistently inconsistent.

Have a good weekend.  Thank you for enduring my rambling. 

Presentation and Perception

There was a blog post floating around on Facebook earlier this week called FYI: (If You’re A Teenage Girl).  It’s a well-intentioned piece written by Kimberly Hall - an open letter to her sons’ Facebook female friends explaining that she will block any girls who post pictures the Hall family deems inappropriate. As I read it, something didn’t sit quite right with me but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I sympathize with her intentions to protect her sons and educate young women but …

It bothered me.  And I could not quite put my finger on why.

Then I read this response piece by blogger Ryan King and things started to fall into place.  Finally, one of your youth pastors posted the link to this Conversation Between A Father And A Son by Nate Pyle which I pretty much want Rich to memorize word for word and repeat to my son and finally all my thoughts lined up.

I wish that instead of blocking the young women on her sons’ Facebook accounts, Hall would instead ask questions. “What is this girl like?  Is she funny? Smart? Kind?  What’s the best conversation you’ve had with her? What are her best qualities?”  I wish that Kim Hall was teaching her boys to look past appearances and youthful follies to see the valuable, God created person within.  

Because that is how I want boys to view my girls (and girls to view my son.)  Unfortunately, that is not something I can control.  

Here’s the truth:  everyone in the world will judge by appearances to one degree or another but it’s impossible to know what lens any given person sees us through.  We all walk out of our front door in the morning with a lens through which we see the world.  That lens is formed by what we’ve been taught, our experiences, our values and how we feel about ourselves.  We can not fully predict or understand other peoples’ lenses and so I want my children (son and daughters both) to know this:

You are not responsible for how other people perceive you.

There are pigs men out there that will objectify women in turtle necks and long skirts.  If such males view my daughter’s as nothing more than sexual objects, that is NOT the fault of my daughters.

That being said, I also want all of my kids to know that they are responsible for how they present themselves.

Here are some guidelines that are pretty universal:

1.  If you wear clothing that is dirty, stained, ripped or ill-fitting do not be surprised if people believe you are a slob. 

2.  If you wear tee shirts with crude or obnoxious sayings, it is likely that people will believe you are crude or obnoxious.

3.  If you purposely wear jeans in a way that your underwear or butt crack are exposed, people are definitely going to look at your underwear or butt crack.  People looking at your underwear or butt crack are going to have a hard time believing you are classy.

4.  If you dress in a way that is purposely sexually provocative, I’m just going to say straight up, that it will take great effort for others to look beyond that.  If your sexuality is the first thing you present to people, you give the impression that you believe it’s your greatest asset.  Please respect yourself enough to let people see your intelligence/wit/kindness/terrific smile before they see your boobs/pecs/crotch/rear end.  The relationships that will form will be much more genuine and worthwhile.

5.  Consider context.  Every single one of my children has been sent to change clothes (sometimes repeatedly) before leaving the house to various events because they were not considering context when they got dressed.  An outfit that may be perfect for a baseball game is not appropriate for a fancy restaurant.  What you wear to a party may not be the best choice to wear to church.  Athletic shorts and yoga pants are not, in fact, perfect for all occasions.

My all time most life-shaping Bible verse is 1 Samuel 16:7

…The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all saw people the way God sees them?  If we saw not just shoulders and stomachs and legs, but hearts?  

Yeah.  It would.

It’s not the way the world works though, so I guess I would tell my kids:  present yourself in a way that gives people a glimpse into your heart.